Finding The Words

I’ve been pretty lucky these past nineteen years.  I have only had to experience the pain of losing someone twice.  Three years ago I lost the man I knew to be my Great Grandfather, Moxie.  He was a very old man but he was great.  He married my Great Grandmother (Grandma K) after she lost her first husband (my actual GGF).  I was not born yet so Moxie really was my GGF and he played the part very well.  The day I found out Moxie died I was sitting on my living room floor alone. My parents were in Hawaii with my oldest brother, my other brother was hanging out with friends, and my sister was staying with my Uncle and his wife.  Surprisingly I was in complete shock when my mom told me "Moxie passed away". I say surprisingly because for an eighty something year old man with multiple medical problems for many years what more do you expect except for them to pass on.  I expected it but I didn’t expect it now. I was sixteen my entire family was away from me but I still had to prepare for my first family members wake and funeral.  The most prominent thing that stands out to me still is that I wore panty hose to Moxie's funeral.  I hate panty hose and only wear them if I am being forced against my own will to do so, but I wore them. I think because I knew my mother would have insisted on such a thing but also because he was an Eighty year old man and the women in his days wore panty hose and they didn’t complain about it no matter how hot or uncomfortable they were.  So I wore them.
Almost two years ago I lost my Aunt who is also my Godmother to cancer.  She was an amazing woman and I cannot ever recall her not smiling.  She had a magical smile that woman.  No matter what was wrong if she was smiling you just had to smile too. I will never forget that smile or her laugh. I was a senior in high school and I had near only a week left of school maybe.  My mom came into my room that morning to wake me up which she hadn’t done since maybe fifth grade. I didn’t find it weird though because sometimes my mom just did stuff like that just because she could and also because more often than I should I would sleep in, ignoring my alarm clock.   So I rolled over and looked at her closed my eyes and waited for her to tell me it was "quarter to seven". Instead she told me "Your Uncle called daddy early this morning, Your Aunt is not doing well and he wanted the boys (my cousins) there" At a time like this you might ask what happened, what’s going on, is she going to be ok?.  But my family had been suffering for months with the fact that my Aunt had an extremely rare cancer and although she is a strong woman it was very unlikely she would survive.  I knew she was dyeing and I knew she was going to die that day, that morning. So I got out of bed and got ready for school. I drove the 5 minutes to my High School parking lot silently shedding tears the whole way, walked up the stairs and inside, ready to tackle another day but bearing some awful news as well.  My cell phone started to ring and the caller I.D confirmed what I had been waiting for. I walked through the school and out the back doors, picked up and my mom told me my dad wanted me and my sister to come home. We got back in the car and drove home. We were both silent the entire way but we both already knew our Aunt was gone.  When we got home my mom told us she was gone and we were going to my Uncles to spend the day over there.  I dreaded the idea I just wanted to be by myself I didn’t want to witness everyone else’s pain. But I knew I needed to be there for my family so I went.
Two days ago the numbers changed.  Two days ago I was frantically calling and texting everyone I could trying to find out where my boyfriend could be and why he was not answering me.  A week earlier his grandmother had yet again been admitted to the hospital and we had been told yet again she would not be around much longer.  This happens all the time.  She is admitted we are told she is not going to make it she makes a huge turn around and then she comes home.  When my boyfriend’s mom (ill refer to as MIL because let’s face it one day she will be...) called me back finally and told me grandma made a turn for the worst and my bf was out walking around and the rest of the family was at their house. I was infuriated, relieved, and confused all at the same time. Infuriated I just spent hours trying to get a hold of someone with no response just to find out you are all sitting in the living room. Relieved to hear my bf was alive and ok. Confused about the fact that if everyone is sitting in your living room who is with grandma?  I went home as mad as could be sat on my couch and just could not believe everything I just took in.  Hours later my bf came through the door and we were going back to the hospital.  I wanted to be there for him but for me the death of my Aunt is still so fresh to me the loss of more people just makes me angry.  But I went for him.  We all sat in the waiting room taking turns going to see her and talk with her although she was unresponsive.  Finally the nurse came to the waiting room to inform us that the blood pressure medication was the only thing that was keeping grandma alive.  So dad and his sister decided it would be best to turn all the medication off and let her go because that would be what she wants.  Dad sat there asking questions and getting answers, just taking in all this information. I just stared at the carpet. Then I heard him say "can we all be in there?" .....WHAT??????  I felt sick and confused and tired. The nurse answered "yes" and he looked up at all of us and asked if we were ok with that.  After watching everyone nod their heads I felt it was something I must do so I joined in with the head nodding.  The nurse went and called the doctor, got the ok to turn off the medication and the next thing I knew we were all shuffling down the hall into grandmas room. I chose a purple flowery chair in the farthest corner next to the window. I sat down and stared outside. I was furious. I couldn’t tell you why though. Grandma was very lucky and so was this family.  She lived a very long happy life with the people she loved and this family I don’t think understood how lucky they were to have been able to tell her goodbye and stay with her.  So why was I so mad why couldn’t I even look at the people in this room with sympathy and compassion. If I had to guess I would have to say maybe I envied them. Or maybe I still felt so robbed of my time with my Aunt and everyone being in this room and listening to the machines and the smell of the hospital just painted a picture in my brain of my Uncle and cousins standing over my Aunts hospital bed holding her hand and watching the life leave her body.  If I was being honest I would tell you I was extremely mad that she was stolen from us that she would not be able to experience the even greater things that were still not lived out for her. But if I was still being honest just a little less angry I would tell you I’m sad but I’m happy that she is not suffering anymore and she is in no more pain.  
Grandma stuck with us for two more hours after they took her medicine away.  Then dad gasped and said "she squeezed my hand" Grandma had been unresponsive for more than 24 hours but she found the strength in her last minutes to squeeze her son's hand.  I don’t know really what it meant but I like to think she was trying to tell us that everything was going to be ok and we would be fine. I guess it became too much for my boyfriend because after dad said that and everyone began to cry he stood up and walked out of the room.  I sat there for the next 10 minutes watching grandma's chest waiting for it to rest, waiting for her to rest.  I listened to everyone cry and sniffle and then she stopped her lifeless body just laid there. The nurse came in and was unable to find a pulse looked up at us and said "Yea"......that was all she said "Yea" but everyone knew what it meant. She was gone and everyone else was dying to but in another way. I stood up and walked my way through the maze of hugging, crying people. I turned down the hall and headed for the elevator. I found him sitting in a chair, head in hands, crying. It was maybe a 30 second walk to him but the thoughts racing through my mind in those 30 seconds were unimaginable. I had to tell my bf that she died. I had to look him in the face and tell him she was gone. I had to be the one to explain that we wouldn’t be writing her name on the envelope of our Christmas card this year. How does a person do that?  Where did my mother find the courage and words to tell me twice before in my life that my GGF and Aunt had died. I didn’t know but I knew I had to figure it out in the next 30 seconds. 
God must have known I would not have had the right words and he gave my bf the knowledge he needed in that moment. He knew if I was standing there walking at him it must have meant she was gone. I wouldn’t have left unless she was. I don’t know why I wouldn’t leave I just knew I wouldn’t and so did he.
Before all this if someone would have asked me what the hardest thing I have ever done is I would have told them saying goodbye to my Aunt and that was because she was too young to be leaving me. She had so much more to live out, so much more to do but she couldn’t.
After all this if someone is to ever ask me what the hardest thing I’ve ever done I will tell them, finding a way to tell someone you love that someone they love has passed on.  It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything. Sometimes there are other ways to get out what you are trying to say. For me just being there was enough.

xoxo,
Kaitlyn Pearl

"you say it best, when you say nothing at all"